Where Are We From? The Third Culture Kid Conundrum

While we were at a chocolate tasting yesterday, a hostess showed us a map of the world’s cocoa producing areas. When she said India Ava piped in, “I am from India and New York.” Not wanting to miss out on the conversation Kayan added, “And Cape Town.”

Sandeep and I always had difficulty answering the “Where are you from?” question. It turns out that we have successfully passed this confusion on to our children. Sandeep and I collectively lived in six countries and eleven cities before we started this trip. New York was home for nine years, the deepest place we ever planted roots. Kayan has spent just about as much of his life on our around the world journey as he did in New York. While Ava still carries many memories from New York, Kayan’s identity is transient and tied to wherever we are at a particular moment. The more we travel, the more we identify with we each new place. As it becomes easier to fit in it is harder to answer the question, “Where are you from?” I’ve always had slight envy for people who still call the house in which they were born home. We can barely identify ourselves with a country at this point.

A few weeks ago, a women asked if she could interview us an Indian family traveling around the world. She just launched desi globetrotter, an indie travel blog geared for the South Asian traveler, and wanted wanted to share our story with her readers. We were excited to participate but nervous that we wouldn’t come across as Indian enough for her audience. It turned out to be a fun interview because we decided to just be ourselves. Here is the link to the interview. Even though this is a travel site geared towards South Asians, I feel as though it could be a great interview from any cultural perspective. I was starting to get a little worried about our family’s lack of cultural identify when I read about Third Culture Kids.

“A third culture kid is a person who has spent a significant part of his or her developmental years outside their parents’ culture. The third culture kid builds relationships to all the cultures, while not having full ownership in any.” – www.tckworld.com

What’s interesting is that TCK research finally shed light on why we sometimes don’t feel Indian.

“Many TCKs take years to readjust to their [original] passport countries. They often suffer a reverse culture shock upon their return, and are often perpetually homesick for their adopted country. Many third culture kids face an identity crisis: they don’t know where they come from. It would be typical for a TCK to say that he is a citizen of a country, but with nothing beyond his passport to define that identification for him. TCKs’ sense of identity and well-being is directly and negatively affected by repatriation.”

Sandeep and I are clearly TCKs. Ava and Kayan, as kids of TCKs and world travelers are already cross-culture kids or trans-culture kids. Even though the TCK research gave us a framework to understand our cultural confusions, we don’t yet have an answer to “Where are you from?” I’ve toyed with “earth” and now “I’m a third culture kid” but I suspect those wouldn’t make us any friends. For now, “New York and India and Cape Town” seems as legitimate an answer as anything else.

We continued our chocolate tasting today over a game of scrabble. The rules were that we could put foreign words on the board as long as everyone knew what they meant. Cross cultural scrabble.

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How We Discipline the Kids While Traveling

Anyone who has met a two-year old or a four-year old knows that there are times when things break down. Sometimes parents can isolate it to either hunger or sleepiness. However, there are plenty of instances when Ava and Kayan act up because they’re testing their boundaries and our sanity. Just because we are traveling does not mean the kids get a pass at discipline. Sandeep and I have gone back and forth with how to encourage good behavior. We haven’t wanted to go down the smacking route, although that is perfectly acceptable almost anywhere in the world except America. Reasoning with a toddler seems silly. After figuring out that many of these breakdowns were the result of over stimulation, we’ve come down to disciplining the kids through reflective time outs.

Here is Ava in her time out on a Greek beach. She was being naughty by insisting on throwing things around our restaurant table. We gave her five minutes of silence and contemplation.

This was Kayan today at a vineyard in Franschoek. He refused to stop trying to jump into a water fountain. Of course a two year old loves to play in water, but it became a safety issue so he got a few minutes to himself.

Kids, like adults, need time to reflect. Sometimes all they need is to be removed from the scene and from their parents for a few minutes. In New York City, time out was usually against a stark white wall. We’re not really sure if Ava and Kayan process the tapestries that serve as their new time out spots, but it sure makes it easier for us as parents to discipline them on the road. In Greece we ate our calamari while Ava decompressed. She returned to the table and finished her meal with no more incident. Today we enjoyed our wine and burger parings while Kayan decided it was best to stay dry. He spent the rest of the time pouring juice back and forth from the bottle to his cup. That’s the type of liquid play we’re fine with.

We’re not sure where time out will be when we return home. They certainly wont be over turquoise waters or dramatic mountains. On the other hand, if Ava and Kayan know that a stark white wall is all that awaits them, perhaps they wont get into any trouble.

 

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Land or Sea Based Whale Watching in Hermanus South Africa

One of the best things about being in Cape Town during the winter months is the ability to stand on shore and watch Southern Right Whales. We did this at Hermanus, which claims to have the best land-based whale watching in the world. Southern Right Whales got their names because they were considered the right whales to hunt. They are slow and float when dead, making them easy to kill and haul. Their unfortunate nature led to their near extinction. However, several conservation efforts in addition to the 1986 ban on commercial whaling have enabled whales to make a come back. Standing on the shores of Hermanus, you would never know that whales are endangered. A keen eye will spot several distinct v-shaped blows out of the water, along with dark flippers, tails and heads.

We were so impressed by what we could see from land that we decided to take a whale tour and find out what awaits on the wide open Atlantic. I’ll spare you the details but, during our three hour trip, Ava and I saw more of the insides of paper bags than we did whales. I went on to the deck thinking fresh air would help. It didn’t. I have never felt sea-sick before. We spent an entire day on an ocean safari in Namibia and none of us had any issues. Just as I began analyzing what made this boat ride different, I saw who was behind the wheel in the cabin.

While our two-year old was driving, a two-year old humpback was below the boat making his own waves. In addition to several whales we saw in the distance, we (by that I mean those of us whom were not stuck in paper bags) saw a few whales up close and personal. They were very playful and curious about our boat. We learned that the motor sounds like a heartbeat to them, so the younger whales spend some time trying to get acquainted with the strange sea creature. Southern Right Whales are identified by their characteristic white markings. They also accumulate barnacles, which they try to rub off along the shoreline. This is one of the reasons why they are easy to spot closer to shore than other whales.

Just as I was muttering about how I saw more whales on shore than on the boat we were back on terra firma. We opted to wait out the rest of the day on land, where a gorgeous sunset provided the ideal backdrop to watch whales playing in the far distance.

This was the first experience on our journey where our family had very a divided reaction. Sandeep and Kayan loved the trip. Sandeep was racing in and out of the cabin, up and down the stairs, eager to see each and every movement up close. Kayan was busy entertaining the crew with his rendition of “All the Single Ladies” and his mad driving skills. Ava and I wished we had stayed on shore and enjoyed the whales over a picnic. Either way, one thing is certain. You can’t go wrong whale watching in Hermanus. On shore watching is easier on the stomach and allows you to watch the whales in nature. A boat gets you up close if you have the stomach to watch.

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The Ugly and Hopeful Sides of Xenophobia

This picture was taken at the District Six Museum in Cape Town. Thankfully these benches no longer appear in South Africa, but it was not too long ago that Europeans and the rest of us were segregated in this gorgeous country. To put it in perspective, if Sandeep and I had grown up in Cape Town, we would not have been allowed to sit on this bench. The sight of Ava and Kayan (and tiger, since I don’t think he technically counts as European) sitting here felt like a triumph.

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When America Did Not Feel Like Home

I had to make a quick trip back to The States while the rest of the family stayed here in Cape Town. The result was that I spent 40 of the past 72 hours on planes.

Solo travel was a non event when I was working. I had only myself to worry about and enjoyed the alone time. Back then, traveling with the family was what made me nervous. However, after the four of us have spent eight months on the road and taken more flights than I can count, I felt uneasy about embarking on a journey alone. Sandeep wasn’t there to look after my passport. No one was there to goof off at the Duty Free stores. There was no one to talk with on the flight. There were no laps on which to rest my head. Even worse, there we no heads to rest on my lap. I felt a dull but very obvious pain that I hadn’t experienced in a long time. An hour into my first flight I realized what it was. Loneliness.

I had mixed emotions being back in The States. It was somewhat comforting to hear the Delta air hostess’s drawl as she asked, “Would ya’ll pleease sit daawn til we switch awf the seatbelt sain?” I was happy to see George Washington’s face as I pulled out a tip. Central air-conditioning felt so good. But despite the U.S. immigration officer telling me, “Welcome home,” I knew I couldn’t wait to actually be back home in Cape Town. Upon my return, the crisp air welcomed me back with a glorious slap on the face. The lights of City Bowl looked even more beautiful than I remembered. My heart did back flips when I heard the patter of little feet running towards the front door.

After traveling to foreign countries with my family and then going back America without my family, I realized the adage “home is where the heart is” is so true. My face may be Indian, my passport American and my history confusing, but home could be a tent in the Himalayas or a sprawling condo in Penang. It doesn’t matter as long as my family is there.

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Signs We Love Cape Town

We have a fascination with odd road signs. In Namibia we snapped many picture of signs that we had never seen before, some of which we never deciphered. We rent a car each weekend in Cape Town and Sandeep drives us around the wineries, ocean routes and mountains. What makes Cape Town memorable for us is its natural beauty, so it’s no wonder than many of the road signs have something to do with nature.

Capetonians seems to defer a lot to nature. The joke about the weather is, “If you don’t like the weather in Cape Town, wait an hour.” The winds off Table Mountain are so strong that the trees surrender in odd angles. One day I literally thought the wind was going to swoop Kayan away. Signs everywhere tell us to take care of nature, be it in the form of penguins or baboons. We weren’t sure if this sign at a Stellenbosch winery was asking us to watch out for ducks or snails. Either way, all four of us obediently had our eyes peeled on the road, although I must say it seems futile to try and avoid snails when driving.

The day after we watched for snails we watched whales along the Whale Coast Route, a stretch east of Cape Town which claims to be the best spot in the world for land based whale watching. Around July, Southern Right Whales migrate  from Antarctica. They get very close to the shore, where they rub off their accumulated barnacles on the massive boulders that line the ocean floor. It is still early in the season, but we were lucky to see a few whales in the distance as we sat on shore and ate lunch. We never even knew that the concept of land based whale watching existed and it’s a memorizing experience to be on firm ground while watching these giant creatures out in the vast ocean. We’re planning another trip back in a couple of weeks when hopefully more whales will have migrated.

While there is some marine life we want to see, there is others that we’d rather avoid. The same coast that attracts whales, penguins and seals also has one of the highest concentration of Great White Sharks in the world. Kruger National Park and Great White Shark diving are often cited as the two most popular reasons that tourists come to South Africa. These blue boards educating surfers, swimmers and beach goers about sharks dot the coastline. The last fatal shark attack in these waters was in April 2012, although such attacks are rare. Many of Cape Town’s beaches have official shark spotters and signage that informs people about current shark conditions.

The shark smart board reminded us that we humans are more often encroaching on these animals’ habitats than the other way around. We are so fortunate to be able to enjoy all sorts of animals, from lions to whales, in their natural habitat while in Africa. These experiences have been opportunities for our entire family to really understand that we share this world with so many creatures and that their survival depends on our care and respect.

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Freedom to Roam This Fourth of July

For to be free is not merely to cast off one’s chains, but to live in a way that respects and enhances the freedom of others.
– Nelson Mandela

Dear Ava and Kayan,

Today is the Fourth of July, a day when we celebrate our freedom as Americans. We’re observing this day from South Africa, a country that gained its independence in 1934 but continued to oppress the majority of its population via Apartheid until as recently as 1994. We have been traveling around the world for eight months and we have seen the many ways that freedoms are curtailed and enjoyed around the world. All of this has awakened us to freedoms we enjoy as Americans but take for granted.

As an American and as travelers, one of the greatest freedoms we enjoy is the freedom to roam. We are able to visit 10 countries in 10 months because we have the right passport. Many people around the world, even those with the means to travel, don’t have the freedom that you do to hop on a plane and cross borders. At two and four years old, you’re both already running out of pages on your first passports. We hope that you use and wear out dozens of passports in your lifetimes. Use this freedom to roam and explore our world, but always be respectful of wherever you land and defer to your host country’s way of life.

You may find out, as we have in our travels, that you aren’t always happy with how other people live. You are both already well versed with the Internet and enjoy watching episodes of Dora the Explorer on You Tube. However, the world’s second largest economy, China, doesn’t allow its people to access many user generated sites. Even this blog was blocked there, probably because we used the f-word (Facebook). As Americans, you have the freedom to read and watch what you want. Use it to educate yourselves and spread what you have learned.

You also have the freedom to say what you want. Ava, you use this freedom constantly for the 12 hours a day that you are awake. When we were in Myanmar we saw that the only widely distributed daily newspapers were government run and they told the people only what the government wanted them to hear. In contrast, we have been able to share our own travel stories with whoever wants to read it on one the world’s most widely read online news sources. When you grow up we suspect there will be information everywhere in forms that don’t exist today. Every story, even those you will read in school, have a point of view. Absorb as much as you can, but take the time to form your own opinions and then use the freedom you have to speak your minds.

Tell stories about what you currently think and what you foresee, but also share stories of where you have come from. You have the freedom to be be anything you want to be because prior generations fought for both of you to have equal opportunities. Your great-grandmother was denied the opportunity to become a doctor because of her gender. Things have changed. Ava, America chose to elect its first non-caucasian president the year you were born. A woman came very close. Take advantage of the path that has been paved for both of you.

Excel at whatever professions you pursue. But also use your the freedom you have to grow yourself spiritually. As an American you have the freedom to follow whatever religion you want. Even if you choose not to follow any religion, find what connects you on a deeper level to our world. Kayan, at only one year old, you already showed traits of quiet contemplation. You enjoyed every temple we visited in Thailand and seemed to instinctively know that they are places of quiet reflection. We hope that you hold on to this side of your personality as responsibilities grow in your life.

As an American, serving your country’s military is usually a choice. Your great-grand father chose to serve in the Indian Army and in Malaysia and Myanmar we visited the places where he was stationed. In some countries that we visited, such as Turkey and Greece, military service is a requirement. The decision to serve the military will be yours. If you choose not to, be sure you still serve the country by using your freedom to vote, your resources to give back and your education to be contributing citizens.

In Namibia and Greece we were free to appreciate so many natural wonders, from endangered animals to pristine beaches. These marvels are here today but you need to take care of them so that your own kids can enjoy our earth. Remember what we taught you about simple things taking care of plants and flowers so others can enjoy them, putting things in the garbage so our world stays pretty and turning off the water so that there is enough for everyone else.

We will be spending next month in Brazil, where our friend Joe and his boyfriend are going to come stay for a few days. America gives you the freedom to love who you want to love. You are free to commit yourself to anyone of your choosing. Whatever love ends up meaning to you, love yourself first and foremost and know that we will always love you.

As Americans we enjoy many freedoms. However, there are so many things that we can do to continue to enhance freedom within our own borders. You are lucky to have friends from a variety if backgrounds, but the reality is that most of our country still lives in pockets and you will have to make an effort to form relationships with people who are different from you. While we have the freedom to speak, we rarely talk openly about our most sensitive issues. There are things we would like to do but can’t because everybody is worried about getting sued. So even in America we have created our own borders and boundaries and some people would say that we aren’t really free. Freedom is a matter perspective, but take time every once in a while to appreciate the freedoms that you do enjoy.

Like our nation’s first settlers, your own grand parents immigrated to America in hopes of giving their descendants a freer future. Today you can embark on whatever journeys you want. Remember that it is not enough for you to be free, you must use your freedom to improve our world.

Roam free.

Dada and Mama

This post was inspired by the Facebook Families on the Move Group. Several members from all over the world chose to write posts today about freedom and travel. You can read their stories below.

Let Freedom Ring by The Nomadic Family

Are we free? by Living Differently

The Freedom to Choose by Living Outside of the Box

Freedom and Straying off the Beaten Path by Barts go Adventuring

Living a Free and Meaningful Life by Flashpacker Family

What is Freedom by Family on Bikes

Do you know what Freedom is by Bohemian Travelers

Free Falling by Break Out of Bushwick

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A Cape Town School Turns Our Little Monsters Into Little Darlings

Yesterday I asked Ava a question and she replied, “Ja, ja.” Turns out that a few days in a Cape Town and she’s already speaking Afrikaans. This week has been all about language progress. She also wrote her first full sentence, with a little help from me on phonics.

We’ve thought a lot about how to properly expose our kids to the various cultures we visit. It’s one thing to show them nature, feed them foods and listen to music. However, as adults, we feel that the only way to truly know a culture is to get to know its people. We want to give the same opportunity to our kids and have found play schools to be a great way for the kids to form relationships with their own kind and learn about their new home society at the little level.

We have tried to involve the kids in activities wherever we’ve been, be in a toddler drumming circle in Thailand or a Malayalam preschool in India. Throughout these experiences, Ava and Kayan have never complained that communication was an issue. I suppose kids all laugh, swing and slide in the same language. This exposure has given them the confidence to make friends in random places. They are less shy to go up to another child at a restaurant, even when they know the child won’t speak English. It definitely helps that Ava and Kayan have each other. They give each other courage to be outgoing and confident in new situations.

To give the kids a peer group in Cape Town, we enrolled them at Little Darlings Creche for a few mornings a week. The crèche has a flexible schedule where both Ava and Kayan can be together rather than separated in age appropriate classes. In addition to the social exposure, the kids are indirectly learning about South African life. Last week’s theme in school was fire safety and the teacher lit a braii (traditional South African barbecue) to demonstrate how fire is used to make food.

The kids are learning about modes of transportation now. Africa is one of the few places where elephant makes that list. Perhaps as parents the best thing about a good school is the ability to use it as leverage. When things start breaking down we threaten not to take the kids to school (yes, we bribe them and we’re not ashamed if it). That usually restores peace.

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Kayan Gets His Haircut in Four Continents

In April we introduced the International Toddler Haircut Index. A haircut is a good way to gauge the cost of services around the world. Our guinea pig is Kayan, whose hair grows at an alarming rate. Besides, Ava wont let us touch her hair, I can’t be bothered with mine, and Sandeep has none. Therefore, Kayan takes one for the team in the interest of travel research. Kayan has had his hair tended to in New York, Thailand, Malaysia, Turkey and today in Cape Town.

This is the hairdo Kayan sported this morning.

Here he is getting his haircut at Scar, whose tagline is “Good Hair for Bad People”. Kayan may be smiling in the picture above, but he is going through a phase of night terrors and tantrums so as far as his parents are concerned, he’s been bad. Scar was calling his name.

The haircut came to 80 South African Rand (US$9.5), which is the most we have paid for a haircut on our journey so far. Istanbul was $5 and South East Asia $2. The hairdresser was very impressed that Kayan stayed followed all her instructions. I realized that Kayan’s last several haircuts were given by people who spoke Thai, Malay, and Turkish. This was his first “English” haircut since leaving New York. “He’s just happy he understands what you’re saying,” I replied. She seem confused but Kayan was brushed clean before I could explain. This is Kayan after.

Now that I look closely, it’s probably time to subject Ava and Taniya to International Toddler Haircut Index research.

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A Day of Penguins and Rainbows on Cape Town Southern Peninsula

Our trip down Cape Town’s Southern Peninsula ended up being an extended safari of sorts. Boulder’s Beach, just half an hour from Cape Town, got its name due to the 540 million year old boulders that are scattered on its shore. In 1982, the relatively calm bay along the beach attracted the attention of two penguins who set up camp here and have since grown their community to over 3,000 formally outfitted birds. Penguins mate for life after a three week courtship. We had a lot of respect for that, particular since Sandeep and my courtship lasted all of a few hours before we knew we’d be together forever. This pair walking along the shores of Boulder Beach reminded us of an old couple taking an evening walk. Perhaps they were discussing their anchovy dinner plans, what to do with their nest and who to frolic with that evening, not unlike humans that have grown into routines together.

South African National Parks has created a boardwalk that respectfully passes through the penguin habitat. It’s close enough for humans to see the birds, but far enough that the penguins go about their business of courting, mating, nesting, and regurgitating food. The proximity does, however, mean that extra care needs to be taken.

As we made our way around the peninsula, we saw this sign.

We passed our first ostrich farm, although we have yet to actually eat the bird (despite Ava’s plea).

What we did feast on was a fish and chips lunch at Kalky’s, a Cape Town institution set on the docks of the fishing town of Kalk Bay. South Africa has been home to many different cultures over its tumultuous history and this is one of the few places where we know we’ll get crisp fresh fish and chips along with perfectly made samosas.

We have yet to fully understand the fishing culture in Cape Town, but we have seen people fishing from many points along the water. Some vineyards we passed also promoted fishing on their grounds. I suppose when you have a view so beautiful, fishing is an ideal way to be alone with nature.

We drove back home along Chapman’s Peak, a route dug high into the mountainside above the ocean. Cape Town’s quintessential winter fog and rain descended just as we were prepared to enjoy this drive. Many people warned us that Cape Town’s winters are a dreary affair. We haven’t been to bothered with it yet. On our drive back a rainbow appeared over the water. Ava was the first to notice it. She seemed shocked. “Is that a real rainbow?” It’s the first one she’s seen in real life. We had thought that the animals in Etosha or perhaps the penguins we saw earlier in the day had the biggest impact on the kids thus far on our Africa travels. However, for Ava, a simple rainbow was her most magical moment yet.

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